things change ; And so will i

i may be a little behind, but the experience starts now. as i sink in the juices of this life and its fumes of diversity illuminate my senses.........life is grand!

cruising

*turns to face me*

"would you be my girlfriend?"

".......What?"

"Nvm..."

"no, sayyy...."

"i said, would you be my girlfriend?"

*smiles*... "but i didn't even said i love you yet"

"i know..."

.......................*keeps quiet*...................

"i want to tell you something" *pulls you close and whispers in your ear*

...."i love you"

oblivion, content, fireworks, chocolate cakes, vanilla icecreams and brownies, overlooking a view of the sunset, heart aching, chest burdening,hearing the waves of the sea, contempt, love, life.....

is what we both felt on the 21st of february 2009. at around 9 something at night; watching the punisher at ,then, cineleisure..

at that moment, never did i expect for things to end up like this. its not and ending.
to be honest,i thought we were gonna end up being broken to pieces because of boredom.

but i keep forgetting, i've always adored you. ever since i saw you through the webcam. in your room at the condominium, at the hallway, you wearing your sleevless gym outfit, coming up to the laptop,slowly caressing my cheeks on the screen.. how i adored you, despite the fact i tried so hard to push you away.

i keep wondering why good things in this life never seems to last.
and i keep reminding myself, your gonna be there at the finishing line.
and i can't wait to see you sayang.
grown up,and in my arms.

i've taken you, all of you,as who you are. the bad the good the annoying... and i still loved you.
i still love you. with all of my heart.
i need to be independent now.

you've been carrying me.
while you walk through this life.
its time you put me down.
so that i could learn to walk with you by my side instead.

God, give me the strength, to go through this life,through the challenges and the lessons for me to learn. Show me the path that i should take, and guide me in choosing the right choices. Aminn..

justice

God, really is fair. He is perfect.so perfect in all his activities. in every good feeling on each negative activity that we do, it gives bad impact. and in every bad feeling on each good activity is a positive one. everything including our activities had 2 sides . He's so perfect in his plans. and as much as we try to plan. as much as we try to divert. to follow according to our needs and wants; He has the last say. the last say..

im single.

im finally that now. it sank slowly into the depths of my mind,my soul when i was talking to you last night. Last night, i cried tears of joy, realising that you are changing without me asking you too. I cried because i finally understand this is the solution and not the problem. I cried because given the circumstances,the status, My feelings for you shines even brighter from within me. And your name. is carved on my heart.

This relationship has taught me so many things. And i know i need time to grow as well. we both do. and like i've said before. i'm gonna say it again. that i can't wait to see you grow into the man i see you could be.. and now whenever i think of you. or hear your name. your voice. i feel like my feelings are rooting deeper and deeper each day. we don't know what our future holds. but if its possible,i want you to be there, in mine. i dont want to lose this. i want to see you later in my life as mine,again. i'll pray for that every single day. :)

I love you very much zunaidi alias.

.

It is not Islam that is imperfect. not Islam that is aggressive. But the muslims. As we are all but human beings. all of us. just different colours, different race. God made us different for us two know each other. to learn to cooperate amongst each other.

understatement

i understand everything now.

Everything always happens for a reason. for everybody.
If only we knew.

there's no place for weaklings in this town

My time will come. and when it does; it will be a blast.

hanging

Theres no point now figuring out wht to do.

sometimes i feel like if this goes on this way,things are gonna be permanently distorted.
but its high time. i take control of my life. and know what i want. what i need. whats best for me.



its high time.

heartbreak warfare.

i dont deserve this..

i keep thinking and telling myself, going over and over again on what went wrong. what i did, what i didnt do.

happy anniversary zunaidi.....

i have to stop trying to take control of everything.
i know tht life's course is made out for me.
i understand that.
i'll just let it flow now.
and this time i can finally let go of these heavy reins.
theres never anything thats totally right in this situation.
never anything thats totally wrong.
when it comes to our own perspective.
i pray that i'm gonna survive this. however its gonna end up being like.
i'll accept it.
all i want now,

content.
peace of mind.
no more tumulting.
no more crying.
no more thinking.

It's time.


00.00

Happy anniversary sayang.

sometimes i wished that i could turn to the time when i didnt know the real world. when i was in my little own world at school....just for awhile. at that moment. it felt blissful. things are different now. In most aspects..and when curiosity strikes. i know i have no one else to blame but myself if i end up getting hurt.

bt then again....everybody needs to wake up and smell the coffee, no?

There is so many bad in good, that the good is struggling so hard to shine. Innocence is something i will always, always appreciate now.

i hope whatever i am doing, whatever choices i make. i hope their right.

..hm?

why must there be envy? jealousy?

Of wants and needs;

I WANT/NEED:

• contact lenses
• braces
• sports shoe
• New frame glasses
• colour rambut!
• Make up: lipstick, loose powder, lip balm, blusher(minerals)
• Toiletries!
• DEAN's LIST. :D
  

of sincerity and will

Alhamdulilah, alhamdulilah.

I feel so overwhelmed with peace this specific monday. I feel content. and at the state of happiness.
There is no sense of emptiness that for some reason had been vacant in my state of mind for the past few days.

Today,i also enjoyed my arab class. I very much owe this to my new ustaz which is ustaz nur khamimi. He is such a good lecturer. He got his masters when he was at the age of 25. which i found to be so proud of.He recently got happily married as well. very understanding. and makes all of us feel comfortable with him. I like and look forward to going to arab classes more often now, alhamdulilah.

Which also made me realised that i need to have a plan. Yes i know sometimes when you plan things never go your way in life. but i at least need to have a rough image of what i want to be in the next ten to 15 years yes?

So the plan is. After foundation , IF i do go to gombak, i'll be majoring in political science and minoring in business administration. next after degree, will sign up for that ptd thing. Then working with wisma putra under foreign affairs. work my ass up the corporate ladder. The target is to be an Ambassador. :)


*clap clap*

BRAND NEW DAY!

I've got a spring in my step , I've got a dimple on my smile, I've got all the elements i need.
And i'm ready to charm my way out of anything that's gonna stand in my way of what i want.



:)

I will see youu when i see youu!

-

I dont want to think anymore..

thoughts

Sometimes i feel the human behaviour is easily influenced. By media, peers, family, society, beliefs,government,etc. Maybe it is human nature to be so. The problem with the modern world is that there is no proper, uncorrupted, living role model to refer to. And its such a waste really. We tend not take advantage of the privilleges that we have in our hands already. Like religion for example. I believe that religion was not complicated or even burdening during the times of the Prophet.Even given the circumstances that they were many who were against it.It became something like a sanctuary, a sense of peace,a religion where you could finally find content with your mind, body and soul. but why does it become so difficult for us to grasp now.to implement.to embrace?

If only we had that extraordinary chance to be in that era. Yes, true, it would've been torturous , with so many violence and cruelty that becomes part of a norm in their society ( but then again, what's the difference with the society today too right? ) . At least there was someone , we could look up to. to open our hearts almost immediately. to instill this strong cohesion towards our own religion. If only ..

sayang;

i love you so much.
The truth is.There's so many who disagrees. there are people who dislikes.
But baby , i see you for who you really are. And i want to be given that chance. to give you that chance.to show them you are so much better than that.because you have shown that to me.
I want to grow with you. because i have seen your capabilities. and yes it is hard. sometimes it can be so hard. but i am so patient. because i know you have been very patient with me. and i know you have faith in me. and sometimes im so surprised that we have this much patience with each other. because i cant be this patient with anybody else. And i'm grasping so hard to the fact of the past. i want to always want to meet that boy who stole my heart without me knowing it.i want you back.

i'll be thinking about you

There is no specifications on how we should live our life.
How nice it would truly be if we know the cheats on being safe and happy all the time.
but i think thats the beauty of life.
It is not perfect. There will always be things you need to learn.
How hurtful it may be. These experiences were made for a reason.
You should not just be going through life. but you should grow with it too.
The experiences you have. teaches you about the truth and why it was meant to be there, to guide you.
If only we had the strength to knw the future.
but i know..it takes something bad to go through to result in the most beautiful thing. a better, more matured you. It makes you who you are.and who you are now, will always be better than who you were before. insyallah.

I'm not saying that relationships now are useless at our age. A discreet term of replacing the word 'playing around'. But i believe we tend to misuse it alot because for right now,we dont know its true definition. The heavy, burdening, beautiful term of relationships. Yet it is Understandable. We will grow.and during that process will we truly understand and appreciate.

changes

Today , i'm going to see everything in a different view. Our perspectives are directed mostly on they way the society wants us to see it in. From now on. my resolution is to not be judgemental. i will try my very best. there will be no stereotypes as well.we shouldnt be classified under a class just because the society does so. we,are not just in a relationship. we will be different. whatever happened before are scars,yes,true.but i believe that what we have should not be under the same standard as the others. your right, fate is in our hands if we want it to be. today,we'll take a different road. :) i love you very much zunaidi alias.
:))

2nd sem

is.....like 1st sem all over again. minusing waking up at 8 everyday; its just now 2 days.

and instead of going back at 5 everyday, its jst some days.

and i dont have a group or a bunch of new friends in my class.
am not initiating or putting effort to communicate much, because well honestly i dont really give a rats ass anymore.

as long as i got friends outside of class to get me through the day, i am fine the way it is. yes,i may look like an antisocial in class, being buried with my storybook if im not listening to the lecturer. but i sure as hell dont care what they think anymore. as long as i cooperate when it comes to forming teams and making presentations and such,to get my marks well and fine, im in.

because , reality check people. they're only there right now.the fact that they will be there later is highly improbable and should be questioned... i dont mind being alone in class rather than having friends that are fake. i'm tired of that high school drama and shit.

real friends are hard to find, and i dont mind waiting to find them. because when i do, i know they will be one of the best things in my life.


so yea... unfrtunately so many plastics in my class. not being judgemental. and i know i can probably be friends with them if i wantd to.cause they're mostly from subang,shah alam and all that.but ntah..they've got their group. and i know what its like, im not about to get myself into high school drama. thank you very much.



loves.

Truly;

Like the river flowing endlessly to the sea,

Like the sea breeze dancing in your hair,

Like the bright open blue skies that spreads peace everywhere,

That's how i feel when i think about you.

Like the fiery sun drowning into the horizon.

Like the stillness of the waters that hides secrets of their mystery depths

Like the waves that slowly stumbles into the shore.

In a slow rythmic lullaby

That's how your voice makes me feel.

Like the moon floating above the black mirror

As it befriends a million million stars

Like the way it glows brighter when envied

That's how i feel when you look at me.

Like the wet still air that you breathe in the morning dusk

As the eye of the heavens peek its light rays to your eyes

Like the view and the feeling in your heart of the beginning of a new day,

Thats what i feel when you tell me,

that You love me.

You love me..Truly;

happy birthday to youu

16....17....18...

days,ages,years.

These numbers are running faster than ever.

I didn't feel a gush of wind. nor the earth shake. nor lightning striking. nor the movement of the orbits around me.

I wave to the days and nights that passes me by. This year was even faster for some reason.

Sands of time is running out faster on me, on us.

I can barely feel the moment passing me by. every moment is so precious to me now.

And now, even birthdays dont mean much anymore.

I pray and hope.

Make me feel like 18 is worth it. i want to spend the next 12 months doing something

meaningful.living life by the moment and not just observing it this time.

i want to feel.... alive. living this world that is so wonderful. so many things to see, to discover.
to love.

let me appreciate every taste, feel,sight and sound of everything combined.

let me love what and who is loving me with equal amount of compassion.

give me the strength to realise the thing that i have taken advantage on.

i will appreciate and love with my whole heart.

Give me the strength of sincerity.

Amin.

the warmth of your gaze

the palm of your wave- bibio

There is no denying how much i love you
I dont have to create the same path, the same fate as previous relationships had been.
But i admit every relationship was different in its own way.
Each teaching me different things. different life lessons.
But i am still in the process of learning.

learning you and learning life with you by my side.
Yes,God holds our fate. but we can change things for the better.
And as i promised, i'd hold on as long as i can. as long as it takes.
our relationship is different. something i need to remind myself again.

And again,you surprise me. we surprise each other at what the thought of the end could do for us. There is a change and it is a change i will cherish and thank God for. For i am hopelessly falling in love with you.all over again. It feels so magical and yet it feels familliar. but better. And i love it so much. Everything you do. i can feel; your gaze, a simple touch of the hand, or a kiss on the forhead. it means something true. defining a meaning that punctures deeper to my soul.

and i love you. i love you so much for realising, for making me love you even more. for making every moment together even more precious as before. maybe this was needed to realise both of us.

Life is an adventure. with so many ups and downs. And i will share this with you beside me.

I love you.

tested faith

It's a sacrifice you thought needed.It's a jumpstart to where things started.It's the feel in your stomach when we smile to each other.It's the rush in your veins when we kiss and cuddle.The chemical x that is running out is just simply being refilled.To let go is something i don't want taken as option.I know just how much you value.. and you value so high to me. sometimes i feel selfish. i know you don't want this.but i would rather have this than lose you to my slowly dying feelings. and i know how i am.and some things don't change as much as i want them to. even when you mean so much to me. you mean so much to me sayang.i don't mean to hurt you so much. i know all i've been doing lately is that. but you know me and you know me well. It's been awhile since i've been flying. and i promise if i can't fly properly i will come back. i dont want to jeopardise what i already have.i promise i will come back. I love you so much Zunaidi Alias.

the beauty of imagination

i close my eyes,
i feel the wind breeze,
softly sculpting my face,
as it dances through my hair,
i smell the salty scent of the ocean waves
as it crashes to the sea,potraying constant rebel,
i grasp the sand and feel its coarseness between my sensitive fingers,
acknowledging its texture
lying on a hammock,
withnessed by the great blue sky,
and warmth of the sun rays that melted away all my problems and insecurities
i felt sane
.....
...
..
.
i open my eyes
im in my dorm
surrounded by walls, doors
dormmates,books,
exams,
strangers.

i need a holiday.

god!

im starting to get why my boyfriend rarely updates his blog.

sorry people, but not only do i not hve time but i also dont have free access to my stuffs.:/

so yeahh..anyway. finals looks pretty near right about now.and i gotta make sure i settle all notes,assignments,tasks and reports before my revision period. WHICH SO HAPPENS TO BE DURING RAYAA FYI PEOPLE! SHOOTT MEEEE!!!

Inhale

I feel my breathe taken away from me.

i feel it when you put your lips gently to mine.

when you look into my eyes and you tell me you love me,

when you say everythings going to be okay. and i am assured that it will be.

I feel like i always leave something in that car when i walk away.

Like my heart.

And your eyes becomes filled with tears.

And you search into mine which becomes untimely hollow.

And our heart feels twisted, and my soul feels incomplete.

And i love you. I love you so very much.

Too much that it hurts me to leave your side.

That i tear at this very moment. desperately trying to take control of my rigid self.

Maybe you know or maybe you don't.

Of the effects that you do to me.

And that your name has somehow been carved on my heart.

whtttt

Must it always be this complicated.
Suddenly now this life we're living feels so fake.so full of lies made up from observations of previous lies before. It proves so much that men judge the things they don't know.
The more i learn, the more i become.. afraid. But im beginning to think of the dilemma thats hidden within my thoughts. It takes so much commitment but i can't bear to come out from this comfort zone i have been in fr a long time.this thought may come through me from time to time. in the mean time, im gonna study as hard as possible. im gonna be here for only a year anyway.


loves;

help me.

I hate the feeling of sundays nowadays..
of having to come back.
of having to let go.
of having to see the car drive away from me.

When i get ready to go, and when i start getting into the car,i keep quiet.As if counting the minutes, appreciating the last hundreds of seconds left for me. and my heart feels left behind when i open the car door when i arrive.

im practicing to always look infront or at the stairs where i'm walking instead of the car but i always end up respirating hard. and my hearts thumps wildly against my chest; as if rebelling. and i end up feeling a burden in my chest..gritting my teeth and holding myself from tearing.

It's so hard. and it's been happening every week. i really really want this to stop.. or i dont think i can bear coming back home every week. its such a difficult process to bear in the end. i miss everybody. everytimee.....

and i didnt even get to see edi this weekend. this is gonna be a tough one..

Ready,steadyyy

Classes has taken most of my time. Now i realize how very much important time can be. So precious; It passes on so fast now that i haven't had the time to cut my nails this week.

Anyway, this friend, that i used to hang with most of the time in the dorm has now left for maktab. liyana. She wasn't exactly at the same channel as mine but we were okay. and now shes gone..

So its more or less back to square one...

But then again it had always felt like that anyway. but the dorm mates are nicer now.i can laugh with them. but like i said. we're not the same channel. and even the ones that are around here.still have the same perspective - Not like mine. =.=

Insyallah i'll try my best to look at the brighter side of things. its funny when, that day, in english class, this teacher was describing what pessimist was to us. he drew a half filled glass on the board and asked who says its half full and half empty. Apparently, i was the only one who raised for the latter.

Ha Ha. very funny.i was never a pessimist before okay?! ish..Agitating.

And its a fact i jst recently discovered that all my dormmates have better results than i do in spm. i was like whatt...not even one got like me.:/ ...and im the ketua bilik. i feel soooo unworthy. of being the ketua bilik, of being here. i dont know why im here...

if god's trying to give me a sign i hope i'm able to see it. theres too much good for a not so innocent person like me.

insyallah.

i like political science though. lecturer's kinda handsome. heh. till he cut his hair short. pfft.

so thts it. loves;

Little moments like these reminds me why I love you so much

My sanctuary is away from me, again. This time i'm left with people i've yet to see i could click with.Every day i wish i could be back in the safety of your arms.I find myself surprised of my own strength that i could love a person this much. Its so funny that even when i make him angry, even when im trying to merajuk. i cant with him.we will always end up being okay.and happy.:) And his hug could melt away all the problems and the burdens that are left hanging on my shoulders. I love just being with him.holding his hand,getting to cuddle with him and have him kiss me on the head that, for some reason for me means so much to me.i keep counting the days i get to be with him, just in his arms, makes my day brighter and a lil less stressful. Im so grateful that he's there, to tell me, in his loving voice that everything is gonna be okay even though it might not. but it does.when he says it to me and when i have him by my side. i love you baby.:)

It's been awhilee *aaahhh* (lagu britney spears)

ahahahaha! well.yes.i know its been a very very long time.i have been busy and i dint get the chance to really hold on to the computer and tell you what has been going on with my life.

You know...since i have stopped schooling,i've made plans of how my life would track on in the future. but it seems to be that the more i make plans, the more that it ends up not going the way i planned.at all. Like for example. i wanted to work at VADS and i ended up working at Pd and DARC instead. I wanted to make sure i had time to have fun after working and i end up in a university instead.

Ladies and gentlemen; There is only one thing i can tell you with full confidence now and that is to NOT PLAN. well, at least when it comes to your life. because in the end you know who has the last say right.so before you get brutally dissapointed with yourself for your naive actions, might as well you just take it all in.all the walls, obstacles, craps, shits, and downhills of that particular chapter of your life because you know why? Its all about learning.You are constantly learning and like they all say Experience is the best teacher. no?


Hye , I'm Nur Farahin A'skiah Binti Abdul Hamid and i am a student of UIA, Campus Nilai.
Yes,thats right. in uia. when i initially planned to go to Uitm. so this is whats stopping me from blogging before.being busy of crying, packing,crying,seeing people, writing documents,crying sorting out files, crying, meeting new people, attending group dynamics, falling klutzily in my baju kurung, attending more programme briefings, and crying abit more. yeah thats about it. That was in PJ,when i had my orientation.

Now im at nilai,staying fr the first week where they would be briefing us more on our programme, and explaining things.... i dont like staying at a hostel. i've been repeating that to quite a number of people.i dont like la. im adapting with the place im studying yes but the hostel? hmm.. but at least the toilet is in our dorm.so its better than pj mahallah.a whole lot better.and the environment is freeier,alhamdulilah.so there you go. wish me luck, im gonna go check on other universities at the internet for back up plan. thanks.and will update again if i can.later.loves.

Let it all out...

I'm lost.
Overflowing tears, my eyes are sore and blurry. Blurry,like my future. its been like this for three days in a row. It pains me so.
The screaming,frustration - It eats up in me and I feel a big hole in my chest gets even bigger when i try to solve the puzzle.Crying and sobbing won't help me but that just seems like the only thing i've been doing lately.Its not about the university anymore but the fact that i'd be away...yet again.And this time at a place i dont know with strangers i've never met.Just the thought of it brings tears to my eyes.I'm going to miss my mom the most. She may not know this but she's the best thing in my life. I dont want to miss the little things i do with her,the things that makes me feel like the centre of the world; Her world.

critical thinking

The ugly truth is that after a frustrating day,the fact that you aren't there for me to see and touch and feel better breaks me down.










In conclusion; work is tiring.

syukur alhamdulilah

i finally got a job. and the best parts of it is the privilleges that comes with it. i'll be working at DARC soon. its suppose to be something like eagle ranch.its near my hse.at denai alam.and so im supposed to be handling the PR stuff there.and the boss there,Terry says that since im working here.i can train with the horses for free.:)))))))))))x1000000
hooohoo! and they're otw to making a gym there and i can use that too.so how unbelievably awesome is that?? :D

i feel like im wearing the coolest kicks in town right now.:p
soo yeah.am at pd.taking my p card and will be otw back home.

peace lovers.

Appreciation

Recently i could say i am quite lucky. i am. and i am utmostly grateful to Allah for blessing me with good news;






.I got fairly good grades. i'm still proud that i didnt fail anything.







.I passed my JPJ test! YESS! :D ohh alhamdulilah. such a relief i tell you. it was soo nerve wrecking because i was so worried about my bukit.i shit you not, i peed about 5 times and went to the toilet about 3 times before i did my exam.>.<>






.and recently,i saw ayahlang. He gave me money to buy me a new phone.for my results for spm. thanks to papa's talking. I desperately needed a new phone actually. abangs phone was not exactly in good shape and i dont blame it all on the phone.i knw it was partly my fault fr dropping it a couple of times but still. i had to read text messages at the mirror because the fonts were terbalik. sheesh.







soo , yesterday,went out with edi.. talked and figured out what to buy. so after some thought and comparing, i bought this baby;

Sony ericsson Yari.

hehe. my 2nd phone that i got that was bought. others were pretty much passed down.but what the hey ey?;/ i always thought i'd buy a nokia the next time i buy a phone.They were the in thing that time. which unfortunately was a loooong time ago.they say xpress music wasnt so good.even though i wanted to get that actually.but takpelah.i'm very much satisified with my phone right now. it is also pretty much my most expensive. but given the fact that i only have two hps that were bought.im very much grateful that ayahlang gave the money fr me.i dont think i could afford one of these on my own.-.-

so ta ta da da! apparently edi said its like a mini psp.
its got cool games. its like wii too. hehe. he was the one who said i've got an i pod already so dont need all these phones tht specialised in music.which is correct.and i dont want to get a phone that i wouldnt exactly used the applications.like blackberryberry and all that.which for me personally,is more like for work.and so many people are using that nowadays.i dint wanna go with the trend.the one i dont really have was a camera.so this one has 5 megapixels and according to papa he said tht would pretty much suffice.so all in all. im very happy i got this.:)

swan

Like the sunset,you dawn on me.
This feeling, overpowering,overtaking my senses.
I float amidst the haze of our memories, clouding over my mind.
this feeling is undefined.
and yet, compatible to yours.
you need to know i feel what you feel baby.
that it pains me and sometimes it even makes me cry.
but this feeling makes me feel so alive.
And being with you,in your arms is all i ask for.
Its becoming more dangerous when you are needed more and more.
But the warmth,the security; Do you know you bring out the best in me?
Your my star , no matter where you are.
And wherever i'll be, i know you're with me.

One more try

Like a boat floating calmly amidst the vastness of the deep blue sea. I realise life has too many choices.directions for us to choose.And no one else can make them except you. you are alone in your own journey.it is in our hands as long as it can be fixed.

Thoughts;

-I miss him.very much.

-i need to finish this driving thing asap. i need to start working again and keep aside money.
for emergencies,credits,hangouts,shopping,presents,mama,holidays.

-i cant go out often anymore.or late...
since theres a baby in the house.
they're saying im not putting some sort of contribution.

-I need to ace that bukit.

-I need to practice driving more often.

-Im freakishly broke.

-I'm tired even though i woke up late today.

-I'm anxious about my application to uitm.

-I'm hoping and praying i'm taking the right direction by taking tesl at uitm.

-I need a job.i need money.

-I'm considering about working while studying to get some extra cash on the sidelines. i dont want to ask from mama.it's kind of sufferring to ask someone of something they can't usually give.i end up sounding like the heartless one,you knw wht i mean?


- i pray i get to do the jpj test successfully.i dont have money to pay if i fail.

-omgoodness im so obsessed with cash.=.=

later la you guys.ish

and then there was Adam Danial

Adam Daniel B Luqman is my b e a utiful baby nephew that recently was born on the 13th of March at 921 pm like tht i think.hehe.he's so white and cute and so tiny.:O i was like damn.your such a tiny human.which also made me feel so grateful that Allah blessed us with this tiny gift.i will do what i can to be his utmost favourite aunty.;) i cant stop holding him.;O

and...i was so excited that i frgot to tell you what i got fr my spm results!

urgh...time nak pergi tu mcm tut tut gila. Abang was sooo not helping! he was like whispering in my ear spm spm spm. i was likee aaaaa .:/ anyway my fingers trembling, my heart pounding against my chest and after all tht cold sweat.i got 4 as 3 bs and 2 cs. i was so overwhelmed though,i kinda cried.for like 30 seconds, cause joy was overflowing through my veins. i really didnt expect to get 4 as. and i thought i'd get a fail. but syukur alhamdulilah. it's not bad.though it might not be alot bt im very grateful fr the results i got.:)) so anyway,driving class is tmrw. i gta stay at pd till sat. fri ada school trip so i gotta help. loves!

Ohh my.

so as i lay on my bed in this humid room of mine in denai alam. i start to think of what i'm about to face very soon. spm results.

damnn.. crap. i thought i'd get all scared next week but now that it's on the 11th im forced to become scared and giddy.hish...so uncool.i stopped at pd already.with working and helping mama.but im coming down pd once in a while fr the driving lessons and tests and etc.

i misss bf even more nowadays.and esp miss najwa cause havent seen her in a while.i gues si'll be seieng my girls next week too.fr the spm results.mann..this is SOO uncool!!!!! xO

the story

A smile never stops lingering from my lips when i start to think of you. And it's pretty funny how things started between us. I still remember;

2008

A call,A voice,A stranger.

My first impression quickly changed after he texted me one day.The act was a disliking to me, but his personality made me think otherwise, He was friendly, funny, and so easy to talk to. There was a hint of charm but it was always, always subtle. But i love the fact that he is a great listener. He gives pretty good advices too.
Soon though,i can't help to feel he had a liking for me but he kept giving me mixed signals and so, absent mindedly,i pushed it aside.
One day, he told me he had a gf. I was excited for him. but unfortunately , after some time, he would come to me and talk about their problems.As i would do for any friend, i became his shoulder to cry on. And soon,he started to confess his feelings towards me. I didn't believe him for it to be love. Not one bit. Because for the fact that we barely knew each other and i felt that he was at his weak point. A few days later, he broke off with that girl.And started to be closer to me. Thats when our friendship bloomed. He was nice. We would talk about anything and everything. We'd have like this mini dates to chat with each other in the day or night.It dawned on me one night and scared me that bit by bit, i wanted to please his heart; That i look forward to the conversations, to see him online , to look nice whenever we were webcamming. I didn't want to conjure up feeling but I must admit, i started to adore him; and he'd do the same.:)
There were so many moments,many exchanged glances, secretly staring and some not even chatting, just smiling... And only we would understand. My mum used to tease me, staring and smiling at the computer like a retard.haha. Fine fine,yeah,okay. i started to like him.But that doesn't mean i HAVE to tell him right? ;/
It felt good.basking in each others presence.He always makes me feel warm inside.:) Then suddenly,he asked to try going further.The question that usually ruins the moment because i would refuse all the time.Trying wasn't something i wanted to get involved in again anytime soon. Scars were yet to be healed.

But with persistence, he succesfully persuaded me into trying it. It'd feel nice...right untill i came to my senses...which was most of the time. It would hurt his feelings. And the more that it did, the more i would push away. We've tried and failed to launch so many times.Let's face it, we can't force love.And i couldn't bear seeing him bruised everytime by my own doings. so, i decided to stop trying and see other people. We did.... At least i did.But i had to learn it the awkward way that you can't turn your bestfriend into something he can't be. He couldn't be what you tried so hard to be. what you still tried.So i went back to you. This time,because i wanted to work things out. But as much as i tried, there was still this fear overpowering me.Like a shield i made for myself, hard and strong and wouldn't break into a million pieces and break me free unless i was sure.And though i can see my heart wants it, my mind was not convinced just yet.I still kept on hurting him and at the verge of really giving up, Something that he said changed everything.. That one thing that needed to complete the puzzle..Assurance. It all fitted like a perfect picture. The times he patiently waited and willing to wait some more even through suffering obstacles i kept throwing at him,those million and one excuses, they all crumbled down, and i caught him at the first chance i get. On that day, i silently vowed to show him that all those time waiting wouldn't go to waste.

2009

Boyfriend - a favourite male companion.
well that's true. Having him as mine and my own is indescribable. There are so many things to learn and know and i love taking my time to.because he is someone very unique to me.he is often undefined,judged. but if you could just see what i see in him,there would be so much more to love. like a diamond in the rough. and i love.be it the good or the bad.:)

Love- a profoundly tender, passionate affection towards another person.
so they say in the dictionary. To me, after those boys who tried and failed or have tried and succeeded or vice versa, i wonder if what they felt about me was love.Its a topic i often question on after i fell in love with edi.This journey we share together made me learn so many things. it opened my eyes to something even larger than the picture.For me, love can be defined in your own version but not many could understand and grasp its meaning. I feel the closest meaning to me would be you, baby. That's why i feel this particular relationship is extraordinary. totally different pattern of lives that collided. and i end up finding something more beautiful than both.:)

Relationship- a connection.
Our connection. 'We are one even though we are different, We are different even though we are one'. remember that honey? :) there are differences between us. and yet we would know the other. i love&hate the fact tht i am predictable to him.Our bond is stronger than others i had before and he would know why. i see changes in me. when he didn't ask me to.i realise it that i've grown to be more matured than i was.and i like that one of the reasons would be because of this relationship.

Bond- something that binds persons to a line of behaviour.
He is by far, the most sweetest,caring and understanding boyfriend i have ever had.he has been with me through the good, the bad, and the embarrasing. so many times. hahaha. *byy,shh!*:(
but i love him so much for that. the fact that he takes me for who i am.and he lets me be.


2010

is yet to be filled with more memories to come.and i hope for the very best for the both of us. i love you edi.:) with all of my heart.literally.

a billion stars shining from your eyes

these few days have been surprisingly surreal. like my mind is wandering elsewhere while a discussion in my head carries on forward. i'm currently getting my license.passed the e test. *whoot whoot*: 46/50. other than that,the interesting highlights would be the visit frm arie and friends at pd.it was nice.since i came to pd to work,i never had the opportunity to go to the beaches. i imagine times of sunsets and twinkling nights where i seat by the beach writing poems and thinking thoughts. so i had the chance when they came to see me.so i thank you again aman,aman's gf,abe,arie and hashim or hisham.:S sorry,i keep forgetting.haha.

unfortunately,this year i did not celebrate chinese new year and to that SOMEONE, thank you fr not inviting me to your house brendon! xO sheesh. valentines day this year,was somewhat ..well.different.and not like last year.
oh,and i feel like a pro on 14th feb as i've ventured all the way through the bricky jungle and arrived passed kl sentral this time.i didn't stop to ask fr directions. :')

but we all know the ultimate highlight of this week would be the fact that on this sunday, the 21st of february 2010 would be our annual anniversary, edi and i. like i said; Surreal.
It doesn't even feel like a year baby! :O

which is a good thing for you bby.:p


loves

f

Well,let's face it. I'm a planner. People who knows me best knows that i like to make plans.But sometimes those plans get diverted or never done at all. and as you might've guessed. i have made plans of what i would do after my spm.but i never imagined it to be the way it is now.i think back and wonder if these plans that went diverted were a blessing in disguise. a message trying to be sent through by god. hmmm... i'm still wondering what it is. the lesson.

Come home

Rummaging through memories on a quiet melancholic monday evening. A bittersweet taste of hunger.There is a feeling at a pit of my stomach. It refuses to leave.An unexplainable feeling.A feeling that has never come accrossed untill recently.A thought lingers in my head. Of the future. Of the present. Of the past. Like a unwritten rule.a fact doomed for all of us,for me;to face. I need to change that rule. because rules are made to be broken.

Pd is a place you go to when you're bored of being busy

Its time to stop being obsessed.:)

Droplets of innocence that fell from the sky

Under the watchful gaze of the sky,and the warmth company of the sunshine, i lay staring at a baby sleeping in the master bedroom of Denai Alam's kindergarten. She sleeps so peacefully, this child named Zahra.As i try to memorise the features of her pretty face, i can't help feeling envious of her long eyelashes. In fact, almost all of the children in the school posesses long eyelashes any girl would be envious of.
Suddenly, Little Zahra snored.haha, this little,cute,soft sound escaped from her little mouth which i found to be so amusing.The first time i saw a mini person snore and i wondered if other snorers around the world started just like this.
Surprisingly, i put pride in what i am experiencing now,and i am growing fond of the denai alam kids.Children can surprise you in so many ways in sense of their understanding,maturity and mentality. They are like treasures who don't know what they are worth just yet; untill we show them- with a sufficient amount of patience,dedication and hope of course.

"I'm currently working at port dickson's kindergarten untill mama gets a new clerk"

5 days a week in port dickson

back by friday

Use somebody

This silent call of distress

of my heart

like a lighthouse amidst the vastness of the sea

the cold breeze that haunts my nights and dreams

and brings it fear of possibilities

Possibilities of incidents to come

Of crashing waves and raging tides

of sunken ships

and broken smiles

the thoughts tumulting are not one which i wish of accompanying me through frowning nights.

In fact,i wish to not have them running through my head at all.

and yet,it is happening.

I wont let it break through the walls i have so hardworkingly built.

when i know my heart only wishes to be reassured.

thoughts

Lust leaves a mark in your life, That is certain. This inevitable shadow that follows you and corrodes your senses and yet it is human nature to be attracted to it. How do you really define maturity, i wonder; When there is alot to consider, to ponder and question on nowadays. Innocence is hard to find in this ever-expanding modernised millenium world we live in. It is sad, because even i can feel it.

Teenagers call it peer pressure, but it's wether you realise the consequences that follow like invisible strings attached.

I wonder what makes a man? His decisions? Upon so many variety of choices that comes a benefit to him yet he chooses the path of responsibility. His sense of understanding? To bend his rules but keeping in mind his rules don't break.

good morning, teacher fara.

a new year? yes.

a year i have been itching and excited for? no.

a year tht goes by smooth sailing? i hope so.

i started the new year with the warm presence of my boyfriend by my side.
it was definitely an overwhelming experience if you may say so.(;

im currently working as a kindergarten teacher.well,assistant la. but yeah.
working fr my mum.it trains me to be patient.something i really need.
i find myself growing fond of these children.well at least untill they start crying.;/
i'll try and find some other job later when the school is operating smoothly.


other than that,cant help the feeling of having this feeling in the pit of my stomach.it makes my body all giddy fr some reason.