aizee

a boy who brought my attention in class,

became my first experience of heart beats and infactuation

who slowly became my experiment to know the opposite sex

that unexpectedly made me nervous whenever i was around him

that grew to be a cheeky adolescent

and a caring friend

and slowly grew a bond between me

stronger than diamonds

who became my source of laughter

and my sanctuary from pain and heartache

my charmer who always sweeps me off my feet

the boy who became a man from his actions

the man i'll always cherish and love untill i die.

..the man i'll never get.

when the sun goes down / when full moon rises

I lie awake.

In the midst of the early morning.

Too tired to wake, too conscious to sleep,

too hurt to cry, too complicated to think,

too deep to understand why.

Too massive this tumult has been.

it has occured to me i live in such a pattern i'm unconsciously aware i'm making. the same mistakes over and over again. like a mask it hid from me.. till it hit me right in the face. i. am. alone. without source of happiness. without source of inspiration, happy will only be happy. life would only be life.

and it is all because of me

i keep making the same mistakes, over and over again. pushing everyone away, being so fickle minded. being .. so selfish. and yet.in the end,hurting myself. i love you.

i love you, who?

Letting go

Is it so hard to let go of something you used to hold?

Do you regret that you did not do the things you could've done to cherish the thing that was actually the most important thing in your life?

Did you regret that you have only regretted now?

Why do we belittle the people who we'd knew would always be there for us?

Did i successfully made you feel like shit without even having to say it in the first place?

Did i successfully made your life a living hell?

Im not trying to take revenge

I just want you to stand on your own two feet.

And i won't pick you up right now when your on the ground

not because i love seeing you fall

not because you refuse to take my hand

..but because you need to learn on your own.

'We love the ones who leave us and leave the ones who love us.'

dusty

my deepest apologies.

i know it's been awhile. but awhile it's been i had something to say. so many things have gone through my mind. so many incidents, so many stories have passed. i couldn't really say it in words. there was no spirit to type out my emotions.

..have you ever been in a situation where you thought you knew about something. so well. untill someone makes you think back twice.

what is the difference between lust and love? such a fine line between the two that has such vast differences. i pray i have the power to tell the difference. if we all had that power, i think there would be less broken hearts in the world.

to be loved.. to have loved... so much; but why couldn't things work out?

another lesson to be learned: relationships needs work. its like a house. at one point, there's bound to be a few leaking pipes.

i understand now why love is not really meant for kids like us.

i pray to God He'll show me a sign.

and to make me wiser than the mistakes i've done before.

well.i hope your happy.

Inalillahiwainalillahirajiun

My grandmother, passed away on the 24th of april 2011.
Her heart stopped beating at first. and in the most quzzical way; while she was brushing her teeth. the one habit of hers that she always used to nag at me to practice. when she was sent to the hospital. Allah took her soul away from her body.

for the first time in my life that day, i wasnt scared of a corpse. of seeing just a body with nobody in it to function. her lips were swollen because it was already quite some time by the time we could bathe her. she wanted to be buried in pd. i participated in most of the rituals. but for some reason i didnt cry as much as my cousin did. i'd have to admit i wasnt as close to her. and she wasnt so fond of me. but i've always found her to be a perfectionist. someone prim and proper. and even though she nags, and she talks to me behind my back. i'm still fond of her. because even through her talking, and nagging. she still remembers that i love bananas and bring them when she comes to kl. and still buys me things from wherever she travels. and i'm always gonna miss her laugh and the way she sits when she sits on a stool. and the matter of the fact that she has gastric. just like i do. and the fact that she brings practically her whole house in a bag. she has everything in that little bag of hers. from medicines to nail clippers to food and tidbits incase we get hungry and the most important thing she brings with her everywhere; minyak angin cap kapak. haha.

...i do; i love her. very much. and now that she's gone, i regret it so much that i never took the time to really know her. a typical naggy granny, but that's how she shows her love to her loved ones. she has a golden heart and travelling legs that loves to go everywhere. she was my only real grandmother left and i never took the opportunity to flourish our relationship. a lesson to be learned. always love and care. you'll never know whens the last time you'll see the person. the bond between famillies is so important but is often neglected now in this millenium. a sad fact as it is the base in our lives. i will always love her. for nagging at me. i understand now. i love you pah. i'll send my al-fatihah's to you. in hope it will shed some light to you and lighten your burden on the other side. thank you. assalamualaikum.

workaholic

sales huh? never really thought of that.agreed to something i never really thought things through. but i've decided anyway. and i will find my way.insyallah, God willing. i will be working at true fitness; Jaya 33. the main branch. as.......a consultant. dont know how thats gonna go for me. but im trying my best not to react negatively to this. i will,undoubtly, do my best in putting some form of charisma to myself in order to attract more clients to join in. will try not to be as annoying. but more to sincerity and acclaimed knowledge about the gym.(: the choices we make define who we are.

long semester

awaiting for it in june is making me as bored and unproductive as a dead hamster. i am dying waiting to get a job. and having problems on transportation. haih. best sgt duduk kat denai alam ni kan

experience

oh sweet.. innocence is not the word i'd describe myself now. i do know things. a number of things. that feels so heavy to my life and yet is so little in life. so much more to drink in. the liquids of experience, be it bitter or sweet or salty .i've allowed myself to make mistakes. something i refused to do before. ignoring the little voice in my head called consciousness. allowing myself...to be human. its not something i regret now. but it's something i wish to be more cautious of. theres a reason why Allah s.w.t gave us Aql (mind) to think. people tell me. not to think so much on how to live life. you'll tend to miss on alot of it. theres so many things i love. so many things that hurt me. bruising my ego as it gives remarks and comments. blow by blow....

something i embrace with open arms and closed eyes. because i want to feel what its like to feel it. it makes it easier to let go.of such a feeling. like pain, sadness, depression...happiness. euphoria.

and though it bruised my ego. sometimes shaming of my dignity and pride. i will walk with my head held high and the sun shining on my face. because it is experience. the question is whether or not you are learning from them. in which i am... :)

my sincerest apologies to those who have been hurt before, directly or indirectly by me. be it mentally, spiritually , physically (highly unlikely).

for i am , just like you, only human.

Assalamualaikum

i need to change

i dont want to wait till im corrupted inside out to be good. i can't stand it my heart is rebelling every single time i assure myself i'm going to change after i do all these things. i need to change. today, God gave me a sign. and my heart voiced out to me. i need this. and i need all the help i can get. nak sembahyang. nak pakai tudung. please help and support where you can people.

epiphany? realisation? repent?

In honest honest truth.... i took a a good look at myself from a distance.for some form of feedback of the self. and realisation started to sink in. I didnt like what i saw. i found myself in a state of disgust. towards what i saw. It feared me. that i hate who i have turned to be. and where its leading. It was then that i realised i was willingly being drawned to the path that was dark. i need to change. And i hope to God that i do.

i need to stop

literally..i dont want to be a fool.


fool me once,shame on you. fool me twice?
shame on me

millionaire

I want this sooo badd

crappp

all these triton's are driving me nuts..... and the fact of the matter is i fear of the reason why it is . pleasee God,provide me the sanity to think clearlyy..

whoah..

maybe the thing that's pulling me back everytime from freedom is the fact that i'm scared to lose myself. to have no sense of self control. letting go of the reins and letting the road take me wherever it leads. so scared of turbulence. the fact that i could've done something to change that fact. to stop it. people say life is a rollercoaster. but what happens if some technical error happens to it. what if suddenly we lose balance and fall of the tracks in a collision of horror? to be at your worst state and fearing the worst: that you can't get back up.



a rollercoaster.

dear fara;

I've come to realise.. theres so many things in this life that feels so right. but indeed is so wrong for us. the power of our lust to achieve our wants are most of the time not what we truly need.....
Alhamdulilah. i dont feel like going all out anymore. or searching. i'd rather focus on the self now. myself. ... like keeping money to do treatment for my hair. its getting worse.:/ keeping money to buy transparent lenses now. its much cheaper and i want to see my natural colour for once. and i want to fix myself. make myself better. exercise. learn. focus. i need to love me enough. respect my wants and needs. be my own bf for once.:) i know theres people out there. and if things happen, it will happen. but no more trying so hard. its time to sit back, relax. and let the good times roll.

i love you..just wanted to let you know that. :)

holiday

craving for a one at an island... ever since i got out from form 5. with or without friends. it really doesnt matter. as long as i get to bury my feet in the warm sand and see the crystal clear water of the island. wrapping myself in the aura and the windy breeze of the ocean. dancing through my hair. calling me to join in the abyss. ohhh, serenity.

let the games begin

one by one. a step at a time. we got a loooong way to go. :))

tiger lily

The weather lately has been partially melancholic. Almost radiating the aura and mixing it with the chemistry of my feelings nowadays. What i am going through though, i realised, is what so many do. sme going through even worse, some not even coming out alive. After this epic phenomena. it has slowly digested into my conscious mind that there is no need to mourn, over spilt milk. whats done is done. some may regret. some may hate. but to be able to forgive is the attribute of the strong, especially when you are able to forgive yourself. Forgive yourself. We are nothing but humans, and we can't avoid from making mistakes. Love... is not meant to be mean. it does not mean to be undeniably cruel in the end. Love is what you could make out of it. some may not go the way you plan. some, you can't even have. but look at what you already have. right in front of you. This form of unconditional love could be so beautiful. if only people realised it sooner. we are greedy. it is in our nature. we make mistakes. but i'm alright. and everything's going to be alright. The decision we make shows who we are. There is no time machine, no retrack of an event. no more jumping into the rabbit hole. we're going to crawl if we have to. because life still moves on. and you should too..

new year's resolution, to not be so damn gullible.

what a waste of guilt.

Thank you God.

flap your wings, take a deep breath, of the air around you, the misty air flowing through your lungs, appreciate its presence flowing through your lungs, pumping oxygen through your veins. appreciate the fact that such a simple thing such as oxygen is the reason why you can move your hands, flex your muscles, make you walk , talk, think, sleep. live. live your life. look at the things surrounding you. wonder where they came from and the small lil particles that helped it be its true form. go outside, look at the sky, feel the wind dancing in your hair, the grumble of the earth beneath you. such a powerful force that is letting us walk all over it. the greenery, wonder why how its happening and doing what its doing. wonder what would happen if one day they took a break? Alhamdulilahh. Thank you Allah

my currently 2nd fav song.

king of anything - sara bareilles

keep drinking coffee, stare me down across the table
while i look outside
so many things i'd say if only i were able
but i just keep quiet and count the cars that pass by

you've got opinions, man
we're all entitled to
but i never asked

so let me thank you for your time
and try not to waste any more of mine
get out of here fast

i hate to break it to you babe
but im not drowning
there's no one here to save

who cares if you disagree
you are not me
who made you king of anything

so, you dare tell me who to be
who died and made you king of anything

you sound so innocent
all full of good intent
swear you know best

but you expect me to
jump up on board with you
ride off into your delusional sunset

i'm not the one who's lost
with no direction oh
but you'll never see

you're so busy making masks
with my name on it in all caps
you've got the talking down
just not the listening

chorus

all my life i've tried to make everybody happy while i just hurt and hide waiting for someone to tell me it's my turn to decide


chorusx2


let me hold your crown babe;

sticks and stone may break my bones,

but words will never harm me.

new hair do

needed some moral boosting. and a trim ofcourse. heh

sweet disposition

sweet disposition
never too soon,
oh, reckless abandon,
like no ones watching you

a moment , a love
a dream aloud,
a kiss, a cry,
our rights, our wrongs,

a moment a love,
a dream loud
a moment a love
a dream aloud

so stay there because i'll be coming over
and while our blood's still young
it's so young
it runs
and we won't stop untill it's over
won't stop to surrender

songs of desperation
i played them for you

a moment a love
a dream aloud
a kiss a cry
our rights our wrongs

a moment a love
a dream aloud
a kiss a cry

a taste of the sky

i've come to a conclusion that life is made out of the choices you make. theres numerous branches of opportunities, like veins and roots, in every choice you make that clears out the view of the path your setting out for yourself. the question is, how do you know which path is the right one for you? we cant drive test them as every decision has there cause and effects. but every thing that you do. be it a bad or a good experience, still remains as an experience. a lesson to be learned. and though what i went through would be called foolish or naive by others, call it whatever you want, i don't regret making those choices that i did. i was and came out , alive. more alive than previous relationships, stronger somehow. i know things now. and though what i'm doing hurts. i feel relieved off this true prolonging feeling in my heart. this feeling of sadness, confusion. delusional. the tricks that my mind constantly makes to myself, torturing slowly. and it's gonna hurt. i know. im going through it now. but i'm gonna let the wind take me, take me wherever it wants to go. spread my wings.....and live. embrace it,

Ari ve derci amore mio

What a story you and i have made,

through thick and thin,

we've exchanged and taught each other the colour of bronze and silver.

Complemented each others gaps and became the light of the other.

Despite the fact that some part of the ride wasnt in favour to me as the last bit, i know it was partly my fault.

But something i came to learn, is that we cant have everything in this world.

There is no such thing as perfection, and trying so hard to be it will result in your utter failure.

Its hard, but acceptance is something we will all have to sink in to ourselves.

I imagined explaining myself to you so much better than reality. but i couldnt come to tell it up to my standard when i was about to let go of the person i really truely love.

Though it is hurting me. i know its the best for both of us. you may not think so right now. but maybe , if you let it, you'll come to realise why i did. and i hope you do. because i always pray i made an impact in your life. and i want it to be a good one.maybe one day, you'll learn to forgive me for all my wrong doings, for hurting your feelings. because i meant it when i said what i said.

and if it's meant to be, insyallah you'll come back to me.

i'll see you soon, zunaidi alias.my husband, my boyfriend, my lover, my bestfriend. :)

im gonna build a new one.

it seems the more i venture, the more i become numb. its seeping into me.
like poison, its spreads slowly, corrupting my feelings, my thoughts, my understanding.


how could this be, that i can't take what i see?

what i used to feel filled flowers in my heart,
but the one who gave me a sense of belonging,
the person who changed me.
is changing me back into stone.
this feeling, cloaking me,though awkwardly familliar,
is being despised by its owner.

I used to have so much faith.

Under these circumstances,
sometimes i wished i didn't know all this.

i want to love,
but how blind do i need to be till i can't see the road in front of me?

the problem is because i care enough about whats left of this ruined building.

assalamualaikum

I just realised today, after returning to nilai, while i sit down and have dinner with aishah. that everything in this life is temporary. even love. feelings,materiality,knowledge. everything. we are living in a dream. this whole purpose. of being here. should be realised.we need to wake up. wake up everybody. and smell the damn coffee.

sometimes i dont know why i love you full stop