Thoughts of an introvert

'Those were fun times', i thought as i immersed myself with my thoughts, hands scrubbing the clothes  subconsciously. My eyes unblinkingly staring towards the wall facing me, and as if like a canvas, memories displayed, branched out; 

Every incident, every accident, every obligated and intended actions i've made produced  different feelings, in vast contrast to how i felt about it before when i did it. It twisted me. And as the pessimist that i am, it saddened me.

'Those were times of freedom'. I recalled late nights of  what i thought was freedom. Days when i didn't have to think. Days when i thought i was living in the moment, going with the flow. Living my few years in sole determination to drink in the world's pleasures before "sobering up". but it was, in reality, just erosion of the self. I see the effects of every action, and it breaks my heart. I felt blind. Almost cheated by my own pursuit of satisfying my own lusts and desires. They were indeed times of freedom. I did things that i liked, when i like, without caring about who is affected, even if it meant me. i  especially didn't care about myself.

'Those were also times of ignorance', my heart whispered to me. and i cringed inwardly.Such harm i've consented against myself. I've realised how much i have been trying to please everyone, love everyone.Putting  their needs before mine and look where it has brought me. 

Change wasn't easy at first.It was sobering, heart wrenching. I see myself being more distant. Distant from friends, distant from my surroundings and being more introvert. It scared me. It confused me. And at a point i felt lost in transition.I didn't want to lose who i was. Sometimes i try to get back.because that's what i thought was closest to me.and then my heart reminded me. We are all trying to discover ourselves.And in this life, we are in constant effort to find ways to be a better version of it..  And now, This is my turn.

I may not know where this road will take me since i've chosen to take the road less traveled. But i know with the light, i'll be okay. 

Alhamdulilah.

            

Asr

Turns on the tap; I immediately notice glistering cold liquid flushing out like a mini waterfall in this small cubicle. Feelings of insignificance made my chest feel heavier as I bent down and cupped both my palms, signaling my heart to engage my niat to take ablution. My heart, as if torn into making two decisions complied itself to vulnerability. And just as it did, a sob escaped my throat. My brain, in defense tried to keep composure and maintain its focus on its task to take ablution and just as I did the first stroke across my face, the fresh cold water woke me to reality. By the second stroke, I could feel two different temperatures of liquids on my face- the hot one streaming down in parallel with the cold. By the time I came out from that cubicle, I immediately saw my reflection at the toilet mirror. I noticed my face,eyes and nose were red and puffy.  Why am I back in this position, I asked myself.  But after a moment, I realized maybe I needed to be. This is my awakening. The pain I have to go through. This is what God planned.  And He is the greatest planner. Walking out from the toilet, still sobbing out of this reality, I immediately realized how many people have cried, being in my exact position because I’ve put them there. And thought maybe I was part of their test too.

With that thought, I prayed in tears, searching for solace and comfort from my Creator, knowing that this lesson, finally learning it for the first time, is going to hurt. But it will make me better as long as I depend on Him.

little habits

I must've done something recently, it jeopardized my efforts in changing. Just one little habit i used to do. it lead to bigger ones and bigger ones till i find myself at the point where i first started. lost in darkness. back to square one where i realize this isn't where i want to be. i know i am made for greater things. produce greater results. be the best i can be. but so many things around me are what i thought used to be what represented me.


 i need.. faith. more of it.

Nights with Bonnie&Clyde

Time waits for no man. There is 24 hours in a day. Different people do different things within this period of time. people get married, celebrate an occasion, doing chores, studying for finals, mourning for a loss, get sick, get pregnant. The list is endless.

To me, for the past week, time never seemed enough.

168 hours of my life have been taken to show me the dark side of liberty. The liberty from the mind, from religion, from sanity. The negative outcomes from negative decisions made from your own rational mind.
These said hours have also taught me about trust. How you trust your own instincts and beliefs, how you trust your friends, how you trust people in general. This week has got me succumbed to so many lessons in life i should value that i am overwhelmed by its presence.

It has taught me life, it has taught me to appreciate goodness, it has taught me to see reality.

And people.... it's not pretty.

Maybe it is to show me, the ridiculousness of my goal of experimenting everything at this age.

Alhamdulilah and InsyaAllah He will always be there to 'sober' me out to the truth.

Congratulations,

your accumulated actions indirect or not, have resulted to the very opposite of what you've been wanting to achieve. i now. officially. hate you.

21

This year has been said by many to be a year of great significance. Many before me have shared with me their experiences of being 21 years of age and have pictured it to me to be of crazy parties, awesome adventures, travelling,etc. It is considered to be as an age of freedom, an age of supposed maturity. The climax of young adulthood. Being an observer of 3 older, different individuals, i have seen accounts of incidents and experiences from my siblings i have found to be useful and grateful to learn from. From this, i have successfully been able to watch over my steps and learn from their mistakes. Their mistakes to me, were that, they got caught.

And yes, i might as well admit, there is very much more to me than meets the eye. My hands have been occasionally covered in dirt. But the more i did it because i thought it was what i was supposed to do as a young adult, the more i feel it was never necessary to try in the first place. I have so many things to be grateful for, and that includes the fact that i'm still breathing while i'm typing this. My life is so consumed by the needs of me to fulfill  and conform to the typical phase of society that i don't realize how they can only give me this temporal, limited, form of happiness. At one point i was in so much fear of being lost off track. I am so grateful i can still find my way back. I will always want something more. It is of human nature. But consuming it from something that will corrupt you will never be satisfying enough.

I have been lost and found and lost again once more. and i will and always try to find myself at a place where i truly belong. I have immersed myself time and time again in depths of sin and even when i try to console myself that this is who i am, deep inside, i know it's not.I am not under any specific category. My identity will always be in conflict between what i want and what i need instead but until the last breath that i draw, i will keep trying. that is a promise that i will make for myself. A promise i know i will surely keep.

So i've found some colour,

It seems to be forever since my last post. but i wish not to come up with something melancholic today. No. Today , on this very fine Saturday afternoon, i choose to look forward. Unexpectedly, I should thank mr Fadzril Zin to have introduced me to hugelol.com because through this innocent introduction, i found some colour. This colour that i used to have. that reminded me to live my life. to have pure, uncorrupted adventure. That showed me again the reason why i want to work so hard. to live independently. to see the world.

So upon, scrolling down to hugelol.com, my eyes focused on a picture, revealing a cave so huge, a cave that has a jungle in it, and with it had its own mist of clouds. I was immediately intrigued. I opened google and searched for it. Hang Son Doong Cave of Vietnam. The largest cave pathway in the world.

And with that, it showed me just how tiny a speck i am in this big world. It overwhelmed me, intimidated me, consumed my thoughts and made me ponder on things that i've done and the things i could've done instead. I felt in need to liberate myself from these chains of something i merely thought was significant in my life. When it was also, indeed, just another element in life to trick me of my priorities. Suddenly i felt in need.. 

To Live.

 What surprised me more in the national geographic article i read just now was that, before this, the biggest cave pathway in the world was, with mild surprise,  the Deer Cave of Sarawak, Malaysia. I must admit I've never been to Malaysian Borneo, (which i find to be such a shame, really). Upon one of the things i wanted to cross out of my list  (Rainforest Festival and Mount Kinabalu), i can now put the deer cave into the category.

Its not as majestic, but it's damn well near it. and knowing the adventurer's blood that courses through my body *eceh*, i was immediately thankful that it was in Malaysia. It only means that my dream is so much closer to being reality, and InsyaAllah, it will be. If not by myself, it will be with my husband-to-be. whoever that is, (:

hee, 

xx

once upon a few weeks ago,

Its gloomy;  the wrinkles on my forehead appear more visible the more i focus on the feeling that bubbles from the bottom of my heart. It is not the fact that i did not see my bestfriend today. It is not the fact that i did not see the one i really missed today. It is not that coincidentally, i did not see the familliar faces that usually comes to the same spot to have lunch today. . No, it's none of that.  I try to dig dipper into this feeling. This feeling of vast emptiness. Like a desert, parched with the need for water. Like an empty sky. without clouds and without stars.

And then i see it. From afar, like one beaming light , slowly burning my gaze and blinding my sight. It is loneliness. And when i mentally grasped the idea, suddenly everything feels dead. and i feel so cold. Cold, rigid. and for some reason paranoid. Involuntarily,i realised my hand fetches for the last thing it thought would provide comfort. The small blue bottle with still half of the perfume glittered and i see the perfume sloshing inside while my hand briskly did it's work.

I realised after awhile. that even the perfume did not help. I started to panic. My mind starts to desert me when i needed it the most, and i was left vulnerable with my feelings.  I become desperate - trying my best to find other alternatives to calm this overwhelming feeling that controls my soul.  I find my heart beating faster when i find that even the consoling words of my bestfriend did not help to ease the pain in my heart. I ended up crying, pulling my  legs towards my chest and wrapping my arms around myself on the bed in a desperate attempt to calm myself down.

 There was nothing to fear. This is irrational. Everyday i see something i should be happy and grateful about. Everyday i feel loved.  Everyday i give love. Each day becomes my little project to make someone's day brighter. it became a mantra in my head, repetitive.  A flash of Aman and Aishah's face appeared and i remembered what he said to me just awhile ago.Slowly, the dark presence  retreated back in the hallows of my heart and i find myself listening back to drake songs and focusing on the birthday cards i planned to finish that night.

Kosong

"One of teddy's eye popped out" , i whimpered slowly at hazwan through the phone. Luckily he didn't realise it while transparent pearls streams slowly on my face. I thought ironically how this incident matched what happened earlier. Teddy is now dysfunctional, i thought as i examined him from arm's length, just like what i did to someone special just a few hours ago.  It was when his credit finished and cut our conversation abruptly that i allowed myself to cry alone. I hugged teddy like it was my life, imagining that if i did it will make the burden in my chest go away.

I never meant to hurt anyone. It's never my intention. Especially for someone as special as him. I hated myself for that moment. Thinking why it should come to this. but i can't control how i feel. and knowing the fact that how i feel does not come to a fracture of how much he feels for me, breaks my heart even more.  I felt useless, numb, almost soulless. Like i'm just letting life pass me by and i am on autopilot. I know it hurts, a million pieces broken and it will take time to mend, but at least i know i'm doing what is right.

I'll pray to God everyday that he'll find in his heart to forgive me and for him to only be happy. for him to heal faster.and for his success.