Every incident, every accident, every obligated and intended actions i've made produced different feelings, in vast contrast to how i felt about it before when i did it. It twisted me. And as the pessimist that i am, it saddened me.
'Those were times of freedom'. I recalled late nights of what i thought was freedom. Days when i didn't have to think. Days when i thought i was living in the moment, going with the flow. Living my few years in sole determination to drink in the world's pleasures before "sobering up". but it was, in reality, just erosion of the self. I see the effects of every action, and it breaks my heart. I felt blind. Almost cheated by my own pursuit of satisfying my own lusts and desires. They were indeed times of freedom. I did things that i liked, when i like, without caring about who is affected, even if it meant me. i especially didn't care about myself.
'Those were also times of ignorance', my heart whispered to me. and i cringed inwardly.Such harm i've consented against myself. I've realised how much i have been trying to please everyone, love everyone.Putting their needs before mine and look where it has brought me.
Change wasn't easy at first.It was sobering, heart wrenching. I see myself being more distant. Distant from friends, distant from my surroundings and being more introvert. It scared me. It confused me. And at a point i felt lost in transition.I didn't want to lose who i was. Sometimes i try to get back.because that's what i thought was closest to me.and then my heart reminded me. We are all trying to discover ourselves.And in this life, we are in constant effort to find ways to be a better version of it.. And now, This is my turn.
I may not know where this road will take me since i've chosen to take the road less traveled. But i know with the light, i'll be okay.
Alhamdulilah.
