3.30 am

It used to be cold.  even through warm breezes felt through connection.

It used to be denial. a defensive mechanism for me and from me. 

It used to be familliar.  a distant  memory. 

Now, Like the sun rays bursting into a dark empty room, and like the dust particles that float in the air. 

I am scattered and I am exposed. 

Now, they know.  and more than ever now, I fear. 
 

Thoughts of an introvert

'Those were fun times', i thought as i immersed myself with my thoughts, hands scrubbing the clothes  subconsciously. My eyes unblinkingly staring towards the wall facing me, and as if like a canvas, memories displayed, branched out; 

Every incident, every accident, every obligated and intended actions i've made produced  different feelings, in vast contrast to how i felt about it before when i did it. It twisted me. And as the pessimist that i am, it saddened me.

'Those were times of freedom'. I recalled late nights of  what i thought was freedom. Days when i didn't have to think. Days when i thought i was living in the moment, going with the flow. Living my few years in sole determination to drink in the world's pleasures before "sobering up". but it was, in reality, just erosion of the self. I see the effects of every action, and it breaks my heart. I felt blind. Almost cheated by my own pursuit of satisfying my own lusts and desires. They were indeed times of freedom. I did things that i liked, when i like, without caring about who is affected, even if it meant me. i  especially didn't care about myself.

'Those were also times of ignorance', my heart whispered to me. and i cringed inwardly.Such harm i've consented against myself. I've realised how much i have been trying to please everyone, love everyone.Putting  their needs before mine and look where it has brought me. 

Change wasn't easy at first.It was sobering, heart wrenching. I see myself being more distant. Distant from friends, distant from my surroundings and being more introvert. It scared me. It confused me. And at a point i felt lost in transition.I didn't want to lose who i was. Sometimes i try to get back.because that's what i thought was closest to me.and then my heart reminded me. We are all trying to discover ourselves.And in this life, we are in constant effort to find ways to be a better version of it..  And now, This is my turn.

I may not know where this road will take me since i've chosen to take the road less traveled. But i know with the light, i'll be okay. 

Alhamdulilah.

            

Asr

Turns on the tap; I immediately notice glistering cold liquid flushing out like a mini waterfall in this small cubicle. Feelings of insignificance made my chest feel heavier as I bent down and cupped both my palms, signaling my heart to engage my niat to take ablution. My heart, as if torn into making two decisions complied itself to vulnerability. And just as it did, a sob escaped my throat. My brain, in defense tried to keep composure and maintain its focus on its task to take ablution and just as I did the first stroke across my face, the fresh cold water woke me to reality. By the second stroke, I could feel two different temperatures of liquids on my face- the hot one streaming down in parallel with the cold. By the time I came out from that cubicle, I immediately saw my reflection at the toilet mirror. I noticed my face,eyes and nose were red and puffy.  Why am I back in this position, I asked myself.  But after a moment, I realized maybe I needed to be. This is my awakening. The pain I have to go through. This is what God planned.  And He is the greatest planner. Walking out from the toilet, still sobbing out of this reality, I immediately realized how many people have cried, being in my exact position because I’ve put them there. And thought maybe I was part of their test too.

With that thought, I prayed in tears, searching for solace and comfort from my Creator, knowing that this lesson, finally learning it for the first time, is going to hurt. But it will make me better as long as I depend on Him.

little habits

I must've done something recently, it jeopardized my efforts in changing. Just one little habit i used to do. it lead to bigger ones and bigger ones till i find myself at the point where i first started. lost in darkness. back to square one where i realize this isn't where i want to be. i know i am made for greater things. produce greater results. be the best i can be. but so many things around me are what i thought used to be what represented me.


 i need.. faith. more of it.

Nights with Bonnie&Clyde

Time waits for no man. There is 24 hours in a day. Different people do different things within this period of time. people get married, celebrate an occasion, doing chores, studying for finals, mourning for a loss, get sick, get pregnant. The list is endless.

To me, for the past week, time never seemed enough.

168 hours of my life have been taken to show me the dark side of liberty. The liberty from the mind, from religion, from sanity. The negative outcomes from negative decisions made from your own rational mind.
These said hours have also taught me about trust. How you trust your own instincts and beliefs, how you trust your friends, how you trust people in general. This week has got me succumbed to so many lessons in life i should value that i am overwhelmed by its presence.

It has taught me life, it has taught me to appreciate goodness, it has taught me to see reality.

And people.... it's not pretty.

Maybe it is to show me, the ridiculousness of my goal of experimenting everything at this age.

Alhamdulilah and InsyaAllah He will always be there to 'sober' me out to the truth.

Congratulations,

your accumulated actions indirect or not, have resulted to the very opposite of what you've been wanting to achieve. i now. officially. hate you.

21

This year has been said by many to be a year of great significance. Many before me have shared with me their experiences of being 21 years of age and have pictured it to me to be of crazy parties, awesome adventures, travelling,etc. It is considered to be as an age of freedom, an age of supposed maturity. The climax of young adulthood. Being an observer of 3 older, different individuals, i have seen accounts of incidents and experiences from my siblings i have found to be useful and grateful to learn from. From this, i have successfully been able to watch over my steps and learn from their mistakes. Their mistakes to me, were that, they got caught.

And yes, i might as well admit, there is very much more to me than meets the eye. My hands have been occasionally covered in dirt. But the more i did it because i thought it was what i was supposed to do as a young adult, the more i feel it was never necessary to try in the first place. I have so many things to be grateful for, and that includes the fact that i'm still breathing while i'm typing this. My life is so consumed by the needs of me to fulfill  and conform to the typical phase of society that i don't realize how they can only give me this temporal, limited, form of happiness. At one point i was in so much fear of being lost off track. I am so grateful i can still find my way back. I will always want something more. It is of human nature. But consuming it from something that will corrupt you will never be satisfying enough.

I have been lost and found and lost again once more. and i will and always try to find myself at a place where i truly belong. I have immersed myself time and time again in depths of sin and even when i try to console myself that this is who i am, deep inside, i know it's not.I am not under any specific category. My identity will always be in conflict between what i want and what i need instead but until the last breath that i draw, i will keep trying. that is a promise that i will make for myself. A promise i know i will surely keep.

So i've found some colour,

It seems to be forever since my last post. but i wish not to come up with something melancholic today. No. Today , on this very fine Saturday afternoon, i choose to look forward. Unexpectedly, I should thank mr Fadzril Zin to have introduced me to hugelol.com because through this innocent introduction, i found some colour. This colour that i used to have. that reminded me to live my life. to have pure, uncorrupted adventure. That showed me again the reason why i want to work so hard. to live independently. to see the world.

So upon, scrolling down to hugelol.com, my eyes focused on a picture, revealing a cave so huge, a cave that has a jungle in it, and with it had its own mist of clouds. I was immediately intrigued. I opened google and searched for it. Hang Son Doong Cave of Vietnam. The largest cave pathway in the world.

And with that, it showed me just how tiny a speck i am in this big world. It overwhelmed me, intimidated me, consumed my thoughts and made me ponder on things that i've done and the things i could've done instead. I felt in need to liberate myself from these chains of something i merely thought was significant in my life. When it was also, indeed, just another element in life to trick me of my priorities. Suddenly i felt in need.. 

To Live.

 What surprised me more in the national geographic article i read just now was that, before this, the biggest cave pathway in the world was, with mild surprise,  the Deer Cave of Sarawak, Malaysia. I must admit I've never been to Malaysian Borneo, (which i find to be such a shame, really). Upon one of the things i wanted to cross out of my list  (Rainforest Festival and Mount Kinabalu), i can now put the deer cave into the category.

Its not as majestic, but it's damn well near it. and knowing the adventurer's blood that courses through my body *eceh*, i was immediately thankful that it was in Malaysia. It only means that my dream is so much closer to being reality, and InsyaAllah, it will be. If not by myself, it will be with my husband-to-be. whoever that is, (:

hee, 

xx

once upon a few weeks ago,

Its gloomy;  the wrinkles on my forehead appear more visible the more i focus on the feeling that bubbles from the bottom of my heart. It is not the fact that i did not see my bestfriend today. It is not the fact that i did not see the one i really missed today. It is not that coincidentally, i did not see the familliar faces that usually comes to the same spot to have lunch today. . No, it's none of that.  I try to dig dipper into this feeling. This feeling of vast emptiness. Like a desert, parched with the need for water. Like an empty sky. without clouds and without stars.

And then i see it. From afar, like one beaming light , slowly burning my gaze and blinding my sight. It is loneliness. And when i mentally grasped the idea, suddenly everything feels dead. and i feel so cold. Cold, rigid. and for some reason paranoid. Involuntarily,i realised my hand fetches for the last thing it thought would provide comfort. The small blue bottle with still half of the perfume glittered and i see the perfume sloshing inside while my hand briskly did it's work.

I realised after awhile. that even the perfume did not help. I started to panic. My mind starts to desert me when i needed it the most, and i was left vulnerable with my feelings.  I become desperate - trying my best to find other alternatives to calm this overwhelming feeling that controls my soul.  I find my heart beating faster when i find that even the consoling words of my bestfriend did not help to ease the pain in my heart. I ended up crying, pulling my  legs towards my chest and wrapping my arms around myself on the bed in a desperate attempt to calm myself down.

 There was nothing to fear. This is irrational. Everyday i see something i should be happy and grateful about. Everyday i feel loved.  Everyday i give love. Each day becomes my little project to make someone's day brighter. it became a mantra in my head, repetitive.  A flash of Aman and Aishah's face appeared and i remembered what he said to me just awhile ago.Slowly, the dark presence  retreated back in the hallows of my heart and i find myself listening back to drake songs and focusing on the birthday cards i planned to finish that night.

Kosong

"One of teddy's eye popped out" , i whimpered slowly at hazwan through the phone. Luckily he didn't realise it while transparent pearls streams slowly on my face. I thought ironically how this incident matched what happened earlier. Teddy is now dysfunctional, i thought as i examined him from arm's length, just like what i did to someone special just a few hours ago.  It was when his credit finished and cut our conversation abruptly that i allowed myself to cry alone. I hugged teddy like it was my life, imagining that if i did it will make the burden in my chest go away.

I never meant to hurt anyone. It's never my intention. Especially for someone as special as him. I hated myself for that moment. Thinking why it should come to this. but i can't control how i feel. and knowing the fact that how i feel does not come to a fracture of how much he feels for me, breaks my heart even more.  I felt useless, numb, almost soulless. Like i'm just letting life pass me by and i am on autopilot. I know it hurts, a million pieces broken and it will take time to mend, but at least i know i'm doing what is right.

I'll pray to God everyday that he'll find in his heart to forgive me and for him to only be happy. for him to heal faster.and for his success.

Undeniable

Recently, i met someone who used to say to me that he'd marry me one day. who called me his wife. and said i was the only girl who could make him cry. Today, i discovered that he broke up with the next person after me that he also said he'd marry one day, called her his wife and said she was the only girl who could make him cry.  And it suddenly dawned to me, that all these negative energies. the aftermath of every thing good that happens around you. or every negative issue that becomes one of your obstacles in life.  They are needed. And even though we mourn of the evil things that man do on earth; From injustice and corruption to killing and murder and heartache, it was needed. to differentiate what was known to be good and peaceful and calm. and to instill great hope that peace could one day be achievable. The greatest feeling, aside love itself - hope.  we need evil so we can hope, thus having the drive and will to be better than evil - good.

Finally

Wow, it has come long passed since the day i wrote something new. it was unfortunate to have had some problems with posting up the blog as there were many things that i have been through for the last couple of months. -
More or less adventures, heartbreaks, weddings, more weddings. and recently, my journey has found a sparkle in a person i previously met. It was funny that i never noticed it before. but i'm glad i took my time to see what a diamond he turned out to be.
His name is fadzril. who suprisingly made me want to be a better person. so much so that he doesn't realise how much his presence means to me. He saved me. from another downfall. of something i may have realised was bad for me. but denied it either way. He was there for me and together we found comfort in each other. I will always remember how it felt when i realised i had feelings for him. And everyday i count my lucky stars to have finally met a man and not a boy instead...

Besides that, my first sister, Halimatul Saadiah. finally got hitched. to a special individual named Syazwan. the wedding was beautiful. on both sides. i was the maid of honour for both sides as well.

Also, my loving mother, is currently right now going through her umrah. I am so happy for her to at least have part of her dream coming true. though she is not feeling so well, i cant wait for her to come home this tuesday. I finally understood the feeling of annoyance when you come back to a messy home. and how its so hard to maintain it. (yes im blaming my now two brothers at home) -.-

i miss her very much though. can't wait to pick her up later.

Other than that, studies are doing alright. going through first semester of first degree in UIA. The distance between the hostel and the faculty was hard to adapt in but eventually i did. still having typical friends of the same batch.

Looking back through the years of my adolescence. i have come to realise that there was nothing exciting to talk about. Come to think of it. i think my life is pretty stable and dull.

sadly.

My resolution of travelling since completing my high school years has still not been achieved.
Though, hopefully the 3 years in Gombak will be promising in adventures and experience.


i need to have a plan.

aizee

a boy who brought my attention in class,

became my first experience of heart beats and infactuation

who slowly became my experiment to know the opposite sex

that unexpectedly made me nervous whenever i was around him

that grew to be a cheeky adolescent

and a caring friend

and slowly grew a bond between me

stronger than diamonds

who became my source of laughter

and my sanctuary from pain and heartache

my charmer who always sweeps me off my feet

the boy who became a man from his actions

the man i'll always cherish and love untill i die.

..the man i'll never get.

when the sun goes down / when full moon rises

I lie awake.

In the midst of the early morning.

Too tired to wake, too conscious to sleep,

too hurt to cry, too complicated to think,

too deep to understand why.

Too massive this tumult has been.

it has occured to me i live in such a pattern i'm unconsciously aware i'm making. the same mistakes over and over again. like a mask it hid from me.. till it hit me right in the face. i. am. alone. without source of happiness. without source of inspiration, happy will only be happy. life would only be life.

and it is all because of me

i keep making the same mistakes, over and over again. pushing everyone away, being so fickle minded. being .. so selfish. and yet.in the end,hurting myself. i love you.

i love you, who?

Letting go

Is it so hard to let go of something you used to hold?

Do you regret that you did not do the things you could've done to cherish the thing that was actually the most important thing in your life?

Did you regret that you have only regretted now?

Why do we belittle the people who we'd knew would always be there for us?

Did i successfully made you feel like shit without even having to say it in the first place?

Did i successfully made your life a living hell?

Im not trying to take revenge

I just want you to stand on your own two feet.

And i won't pick you up right now when your on the ground

not because i love seeing you fall

not because you refuse to take my hand

..but because you need to learn on your own.

'We love the ones who leave us and leave the ones who love us.'

dusty

my deepest apologies.

i know it's been awhile. but awhile it's been i had something to say. so many things have gone through my mind. so many incidents, so many stories have passed. i couldn't really say it in words. there was no spirit to type out my emotions.

..have you ever been in a situation where you thought you knew about something. so well. untill someone makes you think back twice.

what is the difference between lust and love? such a fine line between the two that has such vast differences. i pray i have the power to tell the difference. if we all had that power, i think there would be less broken hearts in the world.

to be loved.. to have loved... so much; but why couldn't things work out?

another lesson to be learned: relationships needs work. its like a house. at one point, there's bound to be a few leaking pipes.

i understand now why love is not really meant for kids like us.

i pray to God He'll show me a sign.

and to make me wiser than the mistakes i've done before.

well.i hope your happy.

Inalillahiwainalillahirajiun

My grandmother, passed away on the 24th of april 2011.
Her heart stopped beating at first. and in the most quzzical way; while she was brushing her teeth. the one habit of hers that she always used to nag at me to practice. when she was sent to the hospital. Allah took her soul away from her body.

for the first time in my life that day, i wasnt scared of a corpse. of seeing just a body with nobody in it to function. her lips were swollen because it was already quite some time by the time we could bathe her. she wanted to be buried in pd. i participated in most of the rituals. but for some reason i didnt cry as much as my cousin did. i'd have to admit i wasnt as close to her. and she wasnt so fond of me. but i've always found her to be a perfectionist. someone prim and proper. and even though she nags, and she talks to me behind my back. i'm still fond of her. because even through her talking, and nagging. she still remembers that i love bananas and bring them when she comes to kl. and still buys me things from wherever she travels. and i'm always gonna miss her laugh and the way she sits when she sits on a stool. and the matter of the fact that she has gastric. just like i do. and the fact that she brings practically her whole house in a bag. she has everything in that little bag of hers. from medicines to nail clippers to food and tidbits incase we get hungry and the most important thing she brings with her everywhere; minyak angin cap kapak. haha.

...i do; i love her. very much. and now that she's gone, i regret it so much that i never took the time to really know her. a typical naggy granny, but that's how she shows her love to her loved ones. she has a golden heart and travelling legs that loves to go everywhere. she was my only real grandmother left and i never took the opportunity to flourish our relationship. a lesson to be learned. always love and care. you'll never know whens the last time you'll see the person. the bond between famillies is so important but is often neglected now in this millenium. a sad fact as it is the base in our lives. i will always love her. for nagging at me. i understand now. i love you pah. i'll send my al-fatihah's to you. in hope it will shed some light to you and lighten your burden on the other side. thank you. assalamualaikum.

workaholic

sales huh? never really thought of that.agreed to something i never really thought things through. but i've decided anyway. and i will find my way.insyallah, God willing. i will be working at true fitness; Jaya 33. the main branch. as.......a consultant. dont know how thats gonna go for me. but im trying my best not to react negatively to this. i will,undoubtly, do my best in putting some form of charisma to myself in order to attract more clients to join in. will try not to be as annoying. but more to sincerity and acclaimed knowledge about the gym.(: the choices we make define who we are.

long semester

awaiting for it in june is making me as bored and unproductive as a dead hamster. i am dying waiting to get a job. and having problems on transportation. haih. best sgt duduk kat denai alam ni kan