Saturday, February 2, 2013
Kosong
"One of teddy's eye popped out" , i whimpered slowly at hazwan through the phone. Luckily he didn't realise it while transparent pearls streams slowly on my face. I thought ironically how this incident matched what happened earlier. Teddy is now dysfunctional, i thought as i examined him from arm's length, just like what i did to someone special just a few hours ago. It was when his credit finished and cut our conversation abruptly that i allowed myself to cry alone. I hugged teddy like it was my life, imagining that if i did it will make the burden in my chest go away.
I never meant to hurt anyone. It's never my intention. Especially for someone as special as him. I hated myself for that moment. Thinking why it should come to this. but i can't control how i feel. and knowing the fact that how i feel does not come to a fracture of how much he feels for me, breaks my heart even more. I felt useless, numb, almost soulless. Like i'm just letting life pass me by and i am on autopilot. I know it hurts, a million pieces broken and it will take time to mend, but at least i know i'm doing what is right.
I'll pray to God everyday that he'll find in his heart to forgive me and for him to only be happy. for him to heal faster.and for his success.
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I love you so much and it breaks my heart that you try to fix this problem by yourself. Whatever happened to together, for better or for worse? I will not hate you, i will not despise you. I understand that whatever you did, you did it out of fear. Fear of hurting me even more. Fear of letting me go. I know that, and i have always reassured you that we can fix this together. But what hurts me most is that you dont trust me enough to work this out together. Two is always better than one. I will always love you no matter what, and if fated, when you finally solved the mystery of farahin's heart, and you still wants me in your life, i'll be here. My tears and the memories that we had will accompany me in my sleepless nights for now. Happy anniversary sayang. I love you so much and i hope that deep down, you still feel the same about me.
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