Kosong

"One of teddy's eye popped out" , i whimpered slowly at hazwan through the phone. Luckily he didn't realise it while transparent pearls streams slowly on my face. I thought ironically how this incident matched what happened earlier. Teddy is now dysfunctional, i thought as i examined him from arm's length, just like what i did to someone special just a few hours ago.  It was when his credit finished and cut our conversation abruptly that i allowed myself to cry alone. I hugged teddy like it was my life, imagining that if i did it will make the burden in my chest go away.

I never meant to hurt anyone. It's never my intention. Especially for someone as special as him. I hated myself for that moment. Thinking why it should come to this. but i can't control how i feel. and knowing the fact that how i feel does not come to a fracture of how much he feels for me, breaks my heart even more.  I felt useless, numb, almost soulless. Like i'm just letting life pass me by and i am on autopilot. I know it hurts, a million pieces broken and it will take time to mend, but at least i know i'm doing what is right.

I'll pray to God everyday that he'll find in his heart to forgive me and for him to only be happy. for him to heal faster.and for his success.

Undeniable

Recently, i met someone who used to say to me that he'd marry me one day. who called me his wife. and said i was the only girl who could make him cry. Today, i discovered that he broke up with the next person after me that he also said he'd marry one day, called her his wife and said she was the only girl who could make him cry.  And it suddenly dawned to me, that all these negative energies. the aftermath of every thing good that happens around you. or every negative issue that becomes one of your obstacles in life.  They are needed. And even though we mourn of the evil things that man do on earth; From injustice and corruption to killing and murder and heartache, it was needed. to differentiate what was known to be good and peaceful and calm. and to instill great hope that peace could one day be achievable. The greatest feeling, aside love itself - hope.  we need evil so we can hope, thus having the drive and will to be better than evil - good.

Finally

Wow, it has come long passed since the day i wrote something new. it was unfortunate to have had some problems with posting up the blog as there were many things that i have been through for the last couple of months. -
More or less adventures, heartbreaks, weddings, more weddings. and recently, my journey has found a sparkle in a person i previously met. It was funny that i never noticed it before. but i'm glad i took my time to see what a diamond he turned out to be.
His name is fadzril. who suprisingly made me want to be a better person. so much so that he doesn't realise how much his presence means to me. He saved me. from another downfall. of something i may have realised was bad for me. but denied it either way. He was there for me and together we found comfort in each other. I will always remember how it felt when i realised i had feelings for him. And everyday i count my lucky stars to have finally met a man and not a boy instead...

Besides that, my first sister, Halimatul Saadiah. finally got hitched. to a special individual named Syazwan. the wedding was beautiful. on both sides. i was the maid of honour for both sides as well.

Also, my loving mother, is currently right now going through her umrah. I am so happy for her to at least have part of her dream coming true. though she is not feeling so well, i cant wait for her to come home this tuesday. I finally understood the feeling of annoyance when you come back to a messy home. and how its so hard to maintain it. (yes im blaming my now two brothers at home) -.-

i miss her very much though. can't wait to pick her up later.

Other than that, studies are doing alright. going through first semester of first degree in UIA. The distance between the hostel and the faculty was hard to adapt in but eventually i did. still having typical friends of the same batch.

Looking back through the years of my adolescence. i have come to realise that there was nothing exciting to talk about. Come to think of it. i think my life is pretty stable and dull.

sadly.

My resolution of travelling since completing my high school years has still not been achieved.
Though, hopefully the 3 years in Gombak will be promising in adventures and experience.


i need to have a plan.

aizee

a boy who brought my attention in class,

became my first experience of heart beats and infactuation

who slowly became my experiment to know the opposite sex

that unexpectedly made me nervous whenever i was around him

that grew to be a cheeky adolescent

and a caring friend

and slowly grew a bond between me

stronger than diamonds

who became my source of laughter

and my sanctuary from pain and heartache

my charmer who always sweeps me off my feet

the boy who became a man from his actions

the man i'll always cherish and love untill i die.

..the man i'll never get.

when the sun goes down / when full moon rises

I lie awake.

In the midst of the early morning.

Too tired to wake, too conscious to sleep,

too hurt to cry, too complicated to think,

too deep to understand why.

Too massive this tumult has been.

it has occured to me i live in such a pattern i'm unconsciously aware i'm making. the same mistakes over and over again. like a mask it hid from me.. till it hit me right in the face. i. am. alone. without source of happiness. without source of inspiration, happy will only be happy. life would only be life.

and it is all because of me

i keep making the same mistakes, over and over again. pushing everyone away, being so fickle minded. being .. so selfish. and yet.in the end,hurting myself. i love you.

i love you, who?

Letting go

Is it so hard to let go of something you used to hold?

Do you regret that you did not do the things you could've done to cherish the thing that was actually the most important thing in your life?

Did you regret that you have only regretted now?

Why do we belittle the people who we'd knew would always be there for us?

Did i successfully made you feel like shit without even having to say it in the first place?

Did i successfully made your life a living hell?

Im not trying to take revenge

I just want you to stand on your own two feet.

And i won't pick you up right now when your on the ground

not because i love seeing you fall

not because you refuse to take my hand

..but because you need to learn on your own.

'We love the ones who leave us and leave the ones who love us.'

dusty

my deepest apologies.

i know it's been awhile. but awhile it's been i had something to say. so many things have gone through my mind. so many incidents, so many stories have passed. i couldn't really say it in words. there was no spirit to type out my emotions.

..have you ever been in a situation where you thought you knew about something. so well. untill someone makes you think back twice.

what is the difference between lust and love? such a fine line between the two that has such vast differences. i pray i have the power to tell the difference. if we all had that power, i think there would be less broken hearts in the world.

to be loved.. to have loved... so much; but why couldn't things work out?

another lesson to be learned: relationships needs work. its like a house. at one point, there's bound to be a few leaking pipes.

i understand now why love is not really meant for kids like us.

i pray to God He'll show me a sign.

and to make me wiser than the mistakes i've done before.