3.30 am

It used to be cold.  even through warm breezes felt through connection.

It used to be denial. a defensive mechanism for me and from me. 

It used to be familliar.  a distant  memory. 

Now, Like the sun rays bursting into a dark empty room, and like the dust particles that float in the air. 

I am scattered and I am exposed. 

Now, they know.  and more than ever now, I fear. 
 

Thoughts of an introvert

'Those were fun times', i thought as i immersed myself with my thoughts, hands scrubbing the clothes  subconsciously. My eyes unblinkingly staring towards the wall facing me, and as if like a canvas, memories displayed, branched out; 

Every incident, every accident, every obligated and intended actions i've made produced  different feelings, in vast contrast to how i felt about it before when i did it. It twisted me. And as the pessimist that i am, it saddened me.

'Those were times of freedom'. I recalled late nights of  what i thought was freedom. Days when i didn't have to think. Days when i thought i was living in the moment, going with the flow. Living my few years in sole determination to drink in the world's pleasures before "sobering up". but it was, in reality, just erosion of the self. I see the effects of every action, and it breaks my heart. I felt blind. Almost cheated by my own pursuit of satisfying my own lusts and desires. They were indeed times of freedom. I did things that i liked, when i like, without caring about who is affected, even if it meant me. i  especially didn't care about myself.

'Those were also times of ignorance', my heart whispered to me. and i cringed inwardly.Such harm i've consented against myself. I've realised how much i have been trying to please everyone, love everyone.Putting  their needs before mine and look where it has brought me. 

Change wasn't easy at first.It was sobering, heart wrenching. I see myself being more distant. Distant from friends, distant from my surroundings and being more introvert. It scared me. It confused me. And at a point i felt lost in transition.I didn't want to lose who i was. Sometimes i try to get back.because that's what i thought was closest to me.and then my heart reminded me. We are all trying to discover ourselves.And in this life, we are in constant effort to find ways to be a better version of it..  And now, This is my turn.

I may not know where this road will take me since i've chosen to take the road less traveled. But i know with the light, i'll be okay. 

Alhamdulilah.

            

Asr

Turns on the tap; I immediately notice glistering cold liquid flushing out like a mini waterfall in this small cubicle. Feelings of insignificance made my chest feel heavier as I bent down and cupped both my palms, signaling my heart to engage my niat to take ablution. My heart, as if torn into making two decisions complied itself to vulnerability. And just as it did, a sob escaped my throat. My brain, in defense tried to keep composure and maintain its focus on its task to take ablution and just as I did the first stroke across my face, the fresh cold water woke me to reality. By the second stroke, I could feel two different temperatures of liquids on my face- the hot one streaming down in parallel with the cold. By the time I came out from that cubicle, I immediately saw my reflection at the toilet mirror. I noticed my face,eyes and nose were red and puffy.  Why am I back in this position, I asked myself.  But after a moment, I realized maybe I needed to be. This is my awakening. The pain I have to go through. This is what God planned.  And He is the greatest planner. Walking out from the toilet, still sobbing out of this reality, I immediately realized how many people have cried, being in my exact position because I’ve put them there. And thought maybe I was part of their test too.

With that thought, I prayed in tears, searching for solace and comfort from my Creator, knowing that this lesson, finally learning it for the first time, is going to hurt. But it will make me better as long as I depend on Him.

little habits

I must've done something recently, it jeopardized my efforts in changing. Just one little habit i used to do. it lead to bigger ones and bigger ones till i find myself at the point where i first started. lost in darkness. back to square one where i realize this isn't where i want to be. i know i am made for greater things. produce greater results. be the best i can be. but so many things around me are what i thought used to be what represented me.


 i need.. faith. more of it.

Nights with Bonnie&Clyde

Time waits for no man. There is 24 hours in a day. Different people do different things within this period of time. people get married, celebrate an occasion, doing chores, studying for finals, mourning for a loss, get sick, get pregnant. The list is endless.

To me, for the past week, time never seemed enough.

168 hours of my life have been taken to show me the dark side of liberty. The liberty from the mind, from religion, from sanity. The negative outcomes from negative decisions made from your own rational mind.
These said hours have also taught me about trust. How you trust your own instincts and beliefs, how you trust your friends, how you trust people in general. This week has got me succumbed to so many lessons in life i should value that i am overwhelmed by its presence.

It has taught me life, it has taught me to appreciate goodness, it has taught me to see reality.

And people.... it's not pretty.

Maybe it is to show me, the ridiculousness of my goal of experimenting everything at this age.

Alhamdulilah and InsyaAllah He will always be there to 'sober' me out to the truth.

Congratulations,

your accumulated actions indirect or not, have resulted to the very opposite of what you've been wanting to achieve. i now. officially. hate you.

21

This year has been said by many to be a year of great significance. Many before me have shared with me their experiences of being 21 years of age and have pictured it to me to be of crazy parties, awesome adventures, travelling,etc. It is considered to be as an age of freedom, an age of supposed maturity. The climax of young adulthood. Being an observer of 3 older, different individuals, i have seen accounts of incidents and experiences from my siblings i have found to be useful and grateful to learn from. From this, i have successfully been able to watch over my steps and learn from their mistakes. Their mistakes to me, were that, they got caught.

And yes, i might as well admit, there is very much more to me than meets the eye. My hands have been occasionally covered in dirt. But the more i did it because i thought it was what i was supposed to do as a young adult, the more i feel it was never necessary to try in the first place. I have so many things to be grateful for, and that includes the fact that i'm still breathing while i'm typing this. My life is so consumed by the needs of me to fulfill  and conform to the typical phase of society that i don't realize how they can only give me this temporal, limited, form of happiness. At one point i was in so much fear of being lost off track. I am so grateful i can still find my way back. I will always want something more. It is of human nature. But consuming it from something that will corrupt you will never be satisfying enough.

I have been lost and found and lost again once more. and i will and always try to find myself at a place where i truly belong. I have immersed myself time and time again in depths of sin and even when i try to console myself that this is who i am, deep inside, i know it's not.I am not under any specific category. My identity will always be in conflict between what i want and what i need instead but until the last breath that i draw, i will keep trying. that is a promise that i will make for myself. A promise i know i will surely keep.